We spent the summer healing from the grief of not getting to adopt. We spent the summer building and creating, together as a family. We set out to build a chicken coop, we sawed and hammered and drilled. Together as a family we accomplished what we set out to do. It felt so good, in our journey of growing our family which at that point was seeming so unproductive it was exhilarating to accomplish a task successfully.
Now months have passed and the chickens have grown, one has started laying eggs, two began cock-a-doodle-dooing and are relocated. The kids have gone back to school. Fall is over and winter is on it’s last leg. The grieving is still in my heart. I am thrilled that Simeon is getting to grow up with his mommy. But my mommy heart is still aching to be filled. I ask God, “What is Your will for me?” “When will You see fit to use me?” “When will I get to be a mommy to another precious one?”
God is a gentle and loving Father and has been gracious to show me that He is answering my prayers, the deeper longings of my heart to become more like Jesus.
He has broken my heart. My heart breaks for the mother who is unable to parent her child. I weep for the mommy who writes me to say she’s considering giving away her child because she can’t provide for him. My prayer changes from, “God give me another child” to “God provide for this family so that they can keep their baby.” God has moved our hearts from wanting a child for our own to wanting to foster kids with the hope of helping heal families.
God has helped me to be useful in this time of waiting. I get to bake, take Derby on long walks, have tea with friends, babysit, sub at the kids’ school. I get to run errands by myself, learn to play the piano, and fill out paperwork for our foster license.
Time goes on, God works at making my heart more in line with Jesus’. I pray for kids we hear about. I pray for God to give me patience. I pray for God to use me and my gifts in some way each day. And we wait.
Psalm 13:5-6 “But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing to the LORD, for he has been good to me.”